Why it’s so hard to solve our relationship problems and w
hen is the right time for relationship counselling?
Remember the beginning of your relationship? Does it seem you were on the same page, had the same goals and were willing to give each other what you needed? Have you believed you would ever need a relationship counselling?
Why and when did it all change? How come you two smart people who have no problem communicating at work constantly get into arguments with the partner that destroy relationships and drive you apart?
Unfortunately, with time we become too reactive. Our walls go up as soon as we hear another word of blame or complain… we don’t even need to hear the whole thing… an eyebrow movement… a deep sigh… As a result, we get into the defensive mode, we get emotional to continue the conversation.
This is why we often think that our problem is in communication. We think that if we improved communication we won’t have conflicts. The problem is that often it’s a top-bottom approach It’s really difficult to say in a calm tone: “Hunny, please don’t talk to me like this, it hurts
How are we going to improve your relationship?
There are two primary science-based methods proven to be helpful in a relationship counselling. I have training in both models. I am trained and experienced in both The
The Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) approach takes us deeper than just changing a form of communicating with each other. It helps couples to understand their primary needs and emotions and start connecting on that level. Often, behind the angry “I can’t believe you forgot to pick up the dog food, again!!” is ” I am so tired of being alone with keeping the household running, I feel so unimportant…”
The goals of The Gottman Method Couples Therapy
are to learn new skills to deal with conflicting verbal communication, practice new ways of relating in order to increase intimacy, respect, and affection, find resolutions from conflicting situations,
I will help you to:
- Better understand your needs and how to communicate them safely to your partner, and get heard.
- How to deescalate conflicts (we will practice it during our sessions)
- Understand what triggers your habitual reactions
- Learn how to break old, destructive patterns and develop new ways of relating to each other
- Re-establish emotional safety and learn how to respond effectively to the most challenging situations
What concrete skills will I learn?
- Learn to solve problems collaboratively
- Regulate yourself during an emotional conversation
- Learn about the beliefs and values that drive your behaviours
- Establish patterns of consistent emotional and intimate contact
- Reconnect on a deeper level, beyond task-talk
- Set mutual long-term goals
- Recognize and manage personal issues like depression, or past trauma.
When one or both partners come with the trauma in the past
Those with traumas often bring their pattern of communicating with the world into their relationships. People who have been traumatized have a tendency to isolate themselves, be more defensive and critical of others. Their defences can take a form of angry outbursts, blame or shutting down. Once traumatized it’s difficult to trust others.
The good news is that our partner can help us to trust the world again. People can heal in the environment of love, trust and care for each other.
Our family supposed to be our safe base where we seek support when we are in trouble. Our partner can hear us out, give advice or just stay with us in our pain. We all need to feel safe and secure in their relationships. I will help you to reconnect with your partner in a new way, reestablish an emotional connection with your partner. You will feel more safe and secure in your relationship, more open, engaged and responsive. You will start to feel safe and connected with each other right in the session.
Rebuilding trust and commitment can have enormous long-term benefits. You will start going towards each other instead of growing apart.
What relationship counselling looks like?
Start with a free consultation to see if we are a good fit. If you would like to try therapy, we will book a session. In other words you only need to commit to one session!
Thorough Assessment. If we decided to work together, you will have a chance to learn more about your relationship, using a unique tool called “The Gottman Relationship Checklist.” This clinical tool consists of 480 questions about friendship, intimacy, how well you know your partner, how you manage emotions and conflict, how you share your values and goals, and what gives meaning to your lives. There are additional questions about parenting, housework, finances, trust, and individual areas of concern.
The questionnaire is completely confidential, and your therapist will be the only person to see your responses. The Gottman Relationship Checkup will also allow me to complete the evaluation process. By using this new technology, your assessment can be done at any time and in the setting of your choice.
We will meet weekly or biweekly for several weeks to learn and practice new skills. Besides in-person meeting at one of my offices, we can also meet online through a secure video conference platform. More about online couples counselling