First, you have to ask yourself what motivates you to look for a partner. The answer might seem obvious: for sex, for fun, for happier weekends, to impress my friends, to avoid loneliness, to feel wanted…. The qualities you are looking for will have a lot to do with your relationship experiences and outcomes.
Sometimes we confuse what we want and what we need. When we are looking for something or someone to fill our needs, we are not very picky. We just look to get the need met. Here are some common needs met routinely in typical dating scenarios: a stepfather for children, a shoulder to cry on, a need to get pregnant, a biological desire for sex, perceived status of a married person, sharing financial expenses, etc. So, first of all, let’s separate love and need.
It happened to one of my clients, who, after a series of failed relationships and a job loss, slowly crawled into depression. He was longing to have someone join him and help him to feel less lonely. Then he met someone. She just immigrated and had only odd jobs and had no friends. She too was lonely and with an uncertain future. They turned to each other for a comfort and even got married.
They broke up shortly after he was offered a good government job and got back to his social circle and she received her status in Canada. Their needs were fulfilled and they had not much in common, so they split.
Need for a father/mother for my child
Need a better income to follow my passions
Need to have a company
Need to get pregnant
Need for someone who would cook and clean the house
Need for a better social status
Need for regular sex
Rate from 1 to 10 how much you are satisfied in each area of your life. Think of those areas that you scored low – what impact they have to your love life.
I like the physical environment where I live (country, city, building)
I have close relationships with my friends and relatives
I am satisfied with the amount of money I have
I do sports regularly and take care of my health on a regular basis
I have enough fun in my life and always take time off for myself
I love what I am doing at work and satisfied with my career
I am satisfied with my personal growth and its a big part of my life
It’s normal to have needs, but if you are looking for a loving fulfilling relationship, your own needs must be resolved first. To learn to be happy, fulfilled and expansive person is your job, your responsibility for yourself. If you won’t you will always attract someone with issues just like yours.